I was wrong
by DarkAngelRyuko
Summary: Admiting love is hard, loss of love is even harder, but forgetting love is the hardest thing of all. This isn't your ordinary KiruGon! this is drumrolls...DRAMA! Can mistakes be fixed? Will there be a happy ending?
1. Decision

----I was wrong-----

Author's note: This is my second attempt at HunterxHunter fanfiction (but the first I'm posting cuz I didn't get around to finishing the Christmas one XD... If anyone wants to see it, I'll work on it after I write the final chapter for this. I have already worked out that this fanfiction will have 5 chapters.

chapter 1: decision (Killua's pov)

chapter 2: confession (Killua's pov)

chapter 3: regret (Gon's pov)

chapter 4: is it too late? (Gon's pov)

chapter 5: sequel (narrator's pov)

I'm sorry if chapter 1 seems a bit too gloomy, all about Killua's thoughts and things... please don't be bored. Cuz at the moment I'm almost finished writing chapter 2 on my notebook and I'm really quite pleased with it. It's got a lot of interesting dialogue so that you's won't get bored

Warnings: PG (parental guidance) just in case of some 'heavy emotional content' or maybe some minor language. KiruGon(shonen-ai), bad spelling (cuz I dont have a spell check on my computer ToT), brainwashing, major OOC-ness (i had no choice XDhehe), incoherency and pointless things! Did that discourage you? hehe if you have the patience and/or the curiousity, then please stick with the fic!

Also if you are sensitive to angst you may wish to not read it... this isn't your average KiruGon ficcy! There's no such easy "I love you" "I love you too!" kinda of thing XP because in reality there are many problems that must be addressed. And this crazy authoress will to just that

Disclaimer: HunterxHunter and all it's characters belong to Togashi Yoshihiro-sama. I however own the idea for this fic yaaaay im so proud!!! sarcasm heheh....

Chapter 1: decision

Yesterday was your birthday, and as always I got you many gifts. The ones I knew you'd like. I given them to you from my heart. That included making that chocolate cake, coated in white bits of coconut that looked like pure white snow. On top of that I wrote 'to my bestest friend Gon' with whipped cream. I made a card too. It had our photo on the cover, where I had my arm around your shoulder and you had yours around mine. Inside in a golden pen, I've congradulated you on your 13th birthday. And naturally, I mentioned how thankful I am to have met you and be your friend (although it had little relevance to your birthday, I wrote it anyway.) Now that I think of it there are other things I wanted to write but I was afraid you'd take it the wrong way. Even though you are totaly clueless I know you aren't stupid. That's why I stopped there...

"You'll always be my most precious friend and I hope we can stay together forever, no matter what right? Well I'll be your friend no matter what so yeah... With love, Killua." Gon read in a casual tone as if it was the most normal thing in the world. To me, it was hard to believe that -I- wrote that!

He thanked me, ofcourse and even gave me a hug which I didn't have the will to refuse even though Kurapika and Leorio were giggling. Oh how I would have liked to hit them then on the head but my anger vanished completely with Gon's wide sincere smile.

"Oh there's more..." the birthday boy said as he looked near the bottom of the card "ps: This card is for your eyes only, don't let anyone else read it."

"Oh!" he stuttered, grinning to his ears. "oops. I'm sorry Killua. Did you not want me to read this aloud?" he questioned me innocently. I had the urge to hit myself with a wooden hammer they used in animes Gon and I liked to watch. I slapped my hand on my face instead. I could feel the warmth of my cheeks underneath my fingers and I covered it because I must have been blushing.

Between my fingers I could see Leorio and Kurapika exchange glances, a smirk appearing on their faces simultaneously. It didn't take much for them to pick up on the meaning of everything I said or did. Sometimes they could even tell what I meant before I myself understood what I was trying to do. That's why the card was meant for Gon only. Because unlike the rest of my friends, no matter how many clues or hints I give him, no matter how vague or straightforward, no matter what way I express it or how many times I show it, he'll never see the meaning behind it. Sometimes I wonder instead of giving him all these presents, I could have just bought him a clue!

One day. I told myself. One day soon, I'll work up the courage to tell him exactly what I meant. I will tell him three words. And if he still doesn't get it I'll tell him in another way. Five words. Maybe he really doesn't know what I'm talking about. Then I'll have to 'show' him what I meant. If it's that. I'm afraid being realistic, it will still be long, very long. A very very long time till I work up the courage...

They're all eating the cake. This gives me time to explain things. It might be hard finding the right words to explain what I'm feeling as having 'feelngs' is still quite a new sensation to me. I had no feelings for anybody before I left home. The people I murdered. They screamed when I stabbed them. In their eyes I saw fear,sadness,panick,pleed.But for them I never felt pity,nor did I care what they felt. I never needed to wonder what went through their minds when I torchured them to their last breath. The time I wasn't killing the only so called 'feelings' I experienced were hate, anger, boredom, disgust with my family. I never cared what they said or did. I never felt the need to please them and I didn't desire to hear from them something nice or whether I ever heard from them again.

I never knew I could feel completely opposite. Since I met my best friend Gon at the hunter exam I've changed so much. From the beginning without me asking for it, he told me words I never heard of my entire life. I still remember overhearing you say to that old hag Netero 'Killua is great isn't he.' When I heard it, I froze. I couldn't process those words in my head. I felt weird that day and because of that I killed the first guys who happened to pass me by.

Next, you tried to stop me from killing. You told me 'you are a nice person Killua. I can tell. You don't have to murder people.' I couldn't think of any other person ever tell that to a serial killer's face. '...you have a kind heart.' how could you say that to a guy who's just tooke the heart of a fearsome murder with the sharp of a hand? When people see me liek that they run for their lives, yet you wanted to become my friend? Infact, you went to my home just to find me? Even risking your life so that I don't stay in my bitter past. Thinking of death, of blood of hate.

You brought me out and stayed with me. You saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. I had been so cynical but you would just laugh at my negativity, telling me I was saying nonsense or sometimes pout. Then I'd laugh anyway. I never laughed before (not from hapiness anyway.) Heck, I never knew the meaning of that word. Or atleast I haven't given that word much meaning. You've really changed me. You changed me a lot.

Now at your side I feel almost like a normal kid. Or atleast one that fits into the jigsaw puzzle of the world. I found the place where this piece fits in. Out of billion of pieces, this one fits next to Gon. Maybe. Now here comes the doubtful part of me again. What if the Gon piece doesn't fit together with the Killua piece?

"What's wrong Killua?" a distant voice reached me and suddenly I got knocked out of my deep thoughts.

"Aaa... gomen ne " I said absentmindedly.

"Are you gonna eat your cake or just play with it?" the yellow haired chain master questioned me. Then I looked at my plate. I hadn't even realised I have been trying to join up two cake pieces. Now that must have looked odd. But back to Kurapika's question.

"Yea. I'll eat the cake." was my nonchalant response as I fell back into contemplation.

"Maybe he's not hungry..."

"For desert? Well that's new.."

Thie voices were like background music as I tried to remember... Where were we? Oh yes. I want to stay with Gon forever.

At first I was embarassed when Gon showed me affection. I didn't expect it nor did I need it. I'd prefer to be untouched and I was just happy when Gon didn't try to be 'too friendly'. Maybe it's because I told him so many times "stop it. It's embarassing." could he have taken it seriously? How could I have been so careless? So unappreciative? I wondered. I think after a while I got over the embarassment and I was in a state of 'no response.' Like 'hey ya love me and think I'm so awesome, thanks ne! That's cool!" But that was such a long time ago, don't you know I've changed so much since then? It's been over a year since we known each other and well, I've just grown so attached to the thought that we'll always be together. We're best friends. So now that those matters have been settled I had time to discover I wanted more.

It took a lot of mental struggle within myself to admit that simple fact. In fact, I made it so complex that even I always fell into a state of confusion. Because there are so many cons with the feelings I developed I had to come up with many counter thoughts to justify my feelings. To be blunt. I love Gon. And that took guts to admit even to myself. Thinking of the past once again, I had always been somewhat of a perverted thinker, despite my young age. I thought falling in love was the same as watching the adult channel or a romance movie, or a fairy tale. A man falls in love with a beautiful girl and she eventually falls in love with him aswell after he swims the deepest sea and battles the toughest monsters to bring her a magical pearl. Then they kiss and the rest goes on like the adult channel. I had thought that was 'love'. Love was lust, passion, excitement, happiness, a shared feeling, a bond. That last word would have usually sounded erotic but for some reason it no longer did. I never thought that I, would be shy of love. I'm a pervert but I couldn't admit to myself I had a little 'crush' for the past few month. Now that was pathetic for the almighty strong Killua Zaoldyeck.

Maybe it isn't real love at all. What I really feel is.... attachement. I cannot live a day without Gon, even if he's just there I can breathe again. For him I'd do anything as I'd proven so many times already. I would never let anything bad happen to him and I'd protect him with my life. I find everything about him charming and attractive. His hyper cheerful personality, his kindess, silliness, his cuteness, his stubborness, and yes even his cluelessness (that drives me crazy but I love it, simply because it's him.) I want him to feel greatful that I dedicated my whole life to him, as I already told him a million times(lately) that I'm so greatful to him. I think of the jugsaw puzzle of the world again. He is already attached from all sides. His friends, his family, the world. They all love him too. I'm still a separate piece, trying to attach myself to Gon's world. That is how important he is to me. He's the only one I can hold onto on this entire planet. I remember Gon once asked me.. for my purpose in life. I told him I didn't know... It was then that he suggested, that until I found my purpose, I could just stay by his side. It seems to have become my purpose. He was my purpose in life. If he lets me join the jigsaw puzzle, next to him, I would achieve my purpose. It's up to him though, if he has the place for this little jigsaw Killua. It's all in his hands. In other words, he owns me. I'm all his. And judging by how much I think about it and how seriously I take it, I think there's no possibility for me ever loving anyone as much as I love him. So I fear, unfortunatly, that this is indeed real love.

You should really know by now, but you don't. In a way that's a good thing because I fear for our friendship. On the other hand it's a bad thing because I fear for our friendship. You see, if I don't tell you I act withdrawn or gloomy. I have the urge to tell you so I try to get distracted in other things. When I run out of things to do (like trying to give you hints through everything we do together -throught music, poetry, photographs, stories, movies, where you skillfully manage to miss my point once again.) I fall back into my miserable world of thoughts. I get confused again and you start to worry. But how can I explain to you? I've lost track of half my thoughts by then (and that's an understatement). All I can tell you is "forget it." I could lie to you and say I was fine but you know what? You changed me so much that I don't even have the guts to lie to you. You don't look too happy then and I feel sad for taking away your joy. I don't want to see you unhappy you know? That's why I fear for our friendship. If you get so unhappy you may wish to leave. Or I'll go insane first if I don't tell you.

Would it be even worse if I did tell you? I don't think me trying to impress you had enough effect on you to love me as much as I love you. You certainly seem to be happy with all the sappy or entertaining things I say but that seems to be the only effect. It's all good, but it doesn't go deeper. Maybe if you tried thinking deeper, beneath the surface of things...but that's not like you. And to be honest thinking deeper only makes you stuck deeper. Now the problem with telling you is...do you even know what love is? If you do, you would know it's between a girl and a boy. To me it feels like a stereotype cause I don't see why love has to have 'rules' of who you are and aren't allowed to love. Why does it have to be ruled by gender? Even thought I feel wrong about it because of the effects of society, I still think I'm right. I've not accepted the fact that I might be 'gay' as the thought scares me. If I were, I would have to tell myself to get over it because in the future I would have to find a girl to marry. Unfortunatly that thought makes me even more sad. I can only imagine the the coldness of it. A faked kiss, a desireless love. A sarcastic "I love you honey". Saying "I've missed you" I didn't mean. Will I have to live in deception, in denial, is the future awaiting me just a game of pretend? It's so obvious now, even if it's not right, I cannot love anyone more than Gon. And no one knows me as well as he does and I'll never be able this much effort in dedicating myself to anyone else. Why do I need to make an effort in dedicating myself to anyone else. Why do I need to make an effort to love anyone else, when people give me those empty looks? I can only feel nausious thinking of loving them. Would Gon be greatful? If he knew how much he was loved?

He would run away Killua. He'll stop being your friend. Do you want to scare him away? Confessing something like that. He will fear you. Avoid you. Are you willing to risk a friendship more valuable that all the thing you own and have? A friendship so priceless? You'll be nothing if he leaves you. Don't grow so attached. Forget this feeling. Hide it, burry it. He must never know.

No... what if.. one day it slips up? He's not ready. Maybe when he's older. But can I wait another year? Can I hold out? Sooner or later, will he know? Do I wait for him to act like he loves me? Because I cannot feel it at all. What if I'm rejected or worse.. he will hate me. And no longer be my best friend.

Would I lose everything?

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congratulations if you made it here... now see that little cute blue button below? please 'click'..

Your reviews may have a big affect on the later chapters. Plus I havent posted fiction for over one year so I'd really love any feedback!!!

Thank you for reading!

Luv ya all!

Ryuko


	2. Confession

Author's note:

Thank you to all who read and reviewed my fanfic!:) I appoligize if it wasn't so well written as English is my second langauage and I only speak it for 6 years XD;;

To my reviewers:

Karito- Zankyuu my friend:) ... for the first review:):):)And the bracket part too jejejejej XP... .. you WILL find 'chapter 2:confession' interesting... oh you will.... I think you might be shocked at the end of it (everyone will be!!! bwahahaha XP)

Ewan - Thank you for the nice review! Wow I'm actually admired? .. o.o

Mizu - Hehehe I agree XDDD He is so cute when embarassed:) nyahahha (im being mean to him ToT) Thanks for sticking with the fic!! :D I'll try not to dissapoint.

Allusho - I'm sorry that chapter 1 had so much long description and almost no dialogue, but unfortunatly I just -had- to mention -everything- about their relationship. I didn't wanna miss anything out. Because this is gonna be like the main KiruGon fic for me. So sorry I just had to write all the description I could. But luckily chapter 2 is mostly dialogue! And got a few humorous things in it too .... Even though personally I just -love- humor, this fic is Angst/Romance... so humor really isn't a main thing. But thank you for the review! I'll keep it in mind... I hope you enjoy the next chapters better

Warnings: PG (parental guidance) just in case of some 'heavy emotional content' or maybe some minor language. KiruGon(shonen-ai), occasional bad spelling (cuz I dont have a spell check on my computer ToT), OOC-ness, incoherency. But this chapter is interesting so READ! Bwahahhahaa! o.o

Disclaimer: HunterxHunter and all it's characters belong to Togashi Yoshihiro-sama. I however own the idea for this fic yaaaay im so proud!!! oh the sarcasm ....heheh....

I also don't own the song used in this chapter. "I want you to want me" - by NOFX

Chapter2: confession

"...I want you to want me

I need you to need me

I'm begging you to beg me

"I'd love---"

"ne Killua..." I heard him whine from the verandah. "Why did you turn off the music?"

"It was... distracting." I lied. Or rather 'misinformed' him. As I said before, I can no longer lie to Gon. And I -was- distracted; from my thoughts. But otherwise I had a speculation that the songs played on radio were chose deliberatly to make me jealous and annoy the crap out of me.

I hopped next to my dark haired friend on the verandah, stretching out my arms and legs to take on the appearance of calmness. A chilly summer breathe made it's way across once every minute or so, carrying my thoughts with it.

"The stars are really beautiful." he said wistfully

"Yeah. Such a clear sky tonight." I responded, sounding just as wisful.

The next moments were spent watching the stars in silence. Without a thought interupting the peacefulness of my mind... atleast until he started humming!!

_"I'd love you to love me..." _

"tatatata tatatata.."

"Gon!" I shouted a little too loudly.

"Eh?" he turned to me, startled.

"Oh...sorry" I gave him a wry smile and quickly hid my shameful face.

"Is something wrong Killua?" his expression was now worried and he still remained looking at me. Oh great. How could I spoil such a calm and peaceful evening?

"Do.... you really like that song?" I mumured inadvertently

"Hmm?"

"The one you were singing then."

"Oh... yea.. It's really catchy." he gave a light hearted laugh I couldn't fight the little smile forming on my face. Neither could I prevent the next words from slipping out. It felt as if I somehow was in a huge rush .. so I often spoke before I thought.

"Do you like the lyrics Gon?" Must have been a pretty random question.

"Ah well... I don't really know the words, but I guess it's umm..." he looked up at the sky, a strained expression on his face. He must have been trying hard to look for the right words. I can understand that feeling.

"...it's got cool rhymes!" he added finally. I was the one who lightly laughed this time. "Don't worry"

I was going to ask him 'Do those lyrics mean anything to you' but figured it was pointless carrying on the same subject for so long. So once again, I chickened out. I sighed inwardly. The lyrics echoing in my head and beating with the rhytm of my heart.

It really sucked.

I didn't want to remember the lyrics but I couldn't help it... I did want him to want me... needed him to need me...

Another moment of peacefullness of the mind. The smell of fresh air, crickets chirping in the distance, a silver moon slightly hidden behind a smokey grey cloud. The stars encircling the verandah as if we were floating in space. A moment silence, until...

Don't you realise you're missing another golden opportunity? Came that voice again; the little annoying thing living inside my head. Sometimes I just wanna scream 'ARGH! Leave me alone!!' I managed to keep myself calm. What is it now?

Tonight. the voice said. _You won't get a chance like this often. Next time you wanna tell him, there might be people around. Kurapika, Leorio, Mito-san, or maybe Jin... or even worse, Hisoka! You've got Gon all alone now you know. Use the damn opportunity!_ He's right next to you. It's just... just... how do I start? the voice said. He's right next to you. It's just... just... how do I start?

"Gon..." I began

"Yes?" he turned to his side to face me. His expression was an absolute calm. and All I could see was his silhouette, his bright eyes and his 'keen to know' smile was lit up by the moonlight. It was fact, that Gon is a very beautiful person.

"We need to talk." I felt suddenly determined. I was really doing it. With my heart raced and andrenalin pumped though me I felt ready... or atleast I hoped.

"Yes."

"Yes?" I starred at my friend in surprise. "You mean... you have something to tell me?"

"I'm not sure." he said quietly. And just by saying that, he made me wonder about him all over again. Did he have something in mind? Does he want to confess too? Or am I being too hopeful? Is there no secret purpose. I knew this would drive me crazy if I didn't go on...

"Well you can go first." I offered him. Believing this was a way to gather more clues when in fact I was just playing chicken again. But just maybe, somehow, I still hoped I could get him to open up to me without blowing my cover. Like the sneaky cat I am.

"Actually... I don't have anything to say Killua. I'm just happy. That you were there on my birthday."

'You'... That was another ray of hope. It melted my heart and brain into mush. This hope... I grabbed this inanimate object and braced myself.

"N..ne, Gon." I asked nervously, but already the excitement was rising; mixing with anxiety and thousands of other emotions in a swirl of dizziness.

"..we-...you will always be my friend, right? I mean no matter what I say or do. No matter what happens. Will we always be best friends? Gon,--"

"Ofcourse Killua!" Gon, who has patiently listened to my little emotional plee, responded with an assuring grin.

"But.. I want you to promise Gon. I know you might think it's strange but please--"

"I promise." he cut me off just at the right time again. "But why do you ask this? What could possibly make us stop being friends?" He didn't know. But he would know soon. And I'll make sure to keep that promise fresh in his mind. Now it was almost safe for our friendship. If he decided to run away afterall, I would get back at him with that promise. But in any case, even if Gon is forced by this promise, I won't be able to force his opinions and feelings inside of him... I cannot do anything if they change.

Still, I must be cautious. I needed to ask him first.

"Gon... have you ever... loved anybody?" I managed to finally say with effort. I avoided his eyes, although, I might have been able to see the answer more clearly if I hadn't.

"Loved?" he questioned me, puzzled. "But ofcourse I have! I love aunt Mito, Grandma, my friends, my----"

"No Gon..." I cut him of this time. Sighing, I moved myself to lie on my back facing the boundless sky of stars. "Have you.... been in love?"

"In...love.." he reprised the words. I turned to face him now, throwing my arms in exasperation.

"Oh come on! You know don't you? Don't you know what being 'in love' means? It's like--"

"Yes I know." Gon asnwered simply and closed his eyes. A smile formed on his chubby little face that soon turned into a tiny smirk.

"I'm 13 Killua." I watched him attentively now, not knowing what unearthly things to expect next.

"...Do you really think I'm so stupid Killua?" his voice was a mix of sadness and cheekiness.

"No no! I didn't mean that Gon! I guess it's expected for you to know such a thing at your age." I smiled

"So uh... would you answer my question?" I faced the ground again, feeling the tension escape in my every word, my aura wavered as if I was terribly worn out from a battle. "have you... ever... been in love?"

"Ummm... I don't know..." Gon told "But.."

"But?"

"But...there was a time. This little girl, Mizuri-chan, from whale island. She was the only other kid on the island besides me, so we were always really close I suppose..." he paused. "Ah sorry. Did you want me to continue Killua?" .... "Killua?!"

"O..oh. I don't know - I mean you can go tell me ahead." I stammered. My sentences have become completely incoherent.

"But Killua?" I could hear concern in his voice again. "Why did you ask? Do you.. have someone that you like?"

"A..ah well I..."

"There is someone isn't there?"

Since when did Gon aquire so much foresight? It felt like I really didn't know so much about Gon. "Who is she, ne?" he winked at me and chuckled, oblivious to the whole drama that was just going on in here a second ago. I was sitting now, with my hands on my knees, my head down. "There is... no she." I answered coldly. "It's raining, Gon. We better go inside." I said gloomily

"Raining? No it isn't!"

I knew perfectly well it wasn't rain. It was salty drops of water falling from my face onto my hands, clutching my knees. I just had to say anything to get out of here. My body and soul wanted to take off running, but my heart couldn't.

"Killua..." a soft whisper came right to my ear. I tensed in surprise but when I realised Gon has wrapped his arms around me. I felt... totaly indescribable. This embrace was different from all the embraces I've ever gotten from Gon before. Maybe because the tension I felt earlier all melted away in an instant. I suddenly felt secure, safe, happy and relaxed in his arms. The warmness and tenderness spread through all of me. It was then that I tilted my head and reached out, involuntary. I didn't know what I was doing. All I could hear and feel was the steady heart beat, my mind was a swirl and the next thing I realised my lips were on his.

There was silence... that seemed to last for centuries and never end until...

"n...NO!" Gon snapped

I fell back, suddenly all the signs of life started to come back to me in a surge of waves. My heartbeat now thumped loudly against my head, my face flushed with fear.

"KILLUA!"

The way he looked at me.. it was completely different from any way he looked at me ever before. His eyes were narrowed and his eyebrows brought together until his entire face was squished into the tiniest possible space.

"NO..... KILLUA.... HOW COULD YOU?.. W...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!" he cried out.

My world came crashing down, shattered to pieces, as I watched him take off until he completely vanished into the black of the night.

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How was that? A suprise ending for the chapter!! hehehe how many of you expected that?XP

T.T in case some of you didnt get the ending, Killa-kins got rejected ....

But there's still 3 chapters right? Maybe it will all be right somehow :)

Please review!!! Your reviews might really help me make chapter 3 better:)

Zankyuu minna!!

Ryuko


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